A couple months ago I was in a pretty dark place with myself. I was dealing with a lot of lies, and lots of uncertainty. I was stuck in that hole for a while but I managed to get myself together and climb back out. So here I am, at the edge of this deep, dark hole again. As I mentioned in my last post I have been dealing with something extremely personal that I still prefer not to talk about yet. Just know that it’s pretty major and it’s really affecting me. On top of dealing with that, I am also dealing with a lot of uncertainty again. I am at the edge of that same hole I was in a couple months ago and I know if I don’t step it up, I’ll fall right back in. I am way more motived this time though and I have way more tools in my mental health toolbox. I don’t want to go back to that place. I have been doing so good lately and I refuse to let the person that hurt me take that away from me.
So why is this hole so scary for me?
The last time I was in that hole I blamed myself for everything that was wrong. I cried almost every day for two months and I felt miserable. I quit eating, lost weight, and found it difficult to focus on my everyday activities such as school and work. My head stayed fuzzy, I had more panic attacks than usual and of course, my feet and fingers were torn to shreds. But I made it through. I kept talking to friends and family and kept going to therapy. I took all of my energy and put it into climbing out of the hole and I did just that. This time around I am more prepared in a sense. I know the best ways to help myself and I see the support system that I didn’t see before. I refuse to fall back down and even though I’m at the edge of this hole I know I’m going to walk further away from it instead of falling in.
I am so much stronger now than I was before. I am more confident and I have more fight in me. I wish I could say I was 100% okay because I know that’s what most of the people around me want me to say. I can’t lie though. I am not 100% okay but I am doing my best to get there! I think people are scared when I say I’m not okay it means I’m broken. They think it means I’m too much to handle and deal with and they think it means I’m not capable of being “normal”. THEY ARE WRONG. I am hurt, not broken. I do have obstacles in front of me but I’m handling it. I am capable of being “normal” and carrying out “normal” human activities. I AM STILL ME. No one is perfect all the time. No one is okay all the time. Everyone goes through hard and difficult times. Everyone has some kind of struggle. It’s part of being human and IT’S OKAY to not be okay. It’s okay to have struggles.
How do I know I’m going to get through this and be okay?
I’ve been through a lot already and I see how much I’ve persevered and grown. Despite everything that has happened recently I am still a happy person. I still see the brightness and the good and I was lacking that before. I know I’m going to be okay because as I said before I REFUSE to fall back into that dark hole.
My advice to you:
If you’re dealing with something major it’s okay to talk about it and it’s okay to seek help and reassurance. It’s okay to express yourself and it’s okay that you’re not perfect. Talk to your family, talk to your friends, talk to a therapist, search for help online and of course, I am always here to listen as well. Accept yourself and I promise others will accept you as well. If for some stupid reason they don’t accept you for who you are then oh well! You don’t want or need anyone in your life that isn’t capable of accepting you and everything that comes with you. If you see yourself on the edge of a dark hole, take action and help yourself before you fall in because I can promise you the process of walking away from the hole is going to be much easier (though still hard and challenging) than the process of climbing out of it AND walking away.
I plan to participate in the NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) walk in Raleigh, NC on April 14th in support of mental health awareness and ending the stigma around it. If anyone is interested in walking as a team with me let me know!