Opening My Mind

It’s been a while since I did a blog post and to be honest I have no good excuse for that. I’ve still been writing here and there to help myself cope and gain perspective but I’ve been at a bit of a standstill lately. The last update I had for you on my toes and fingers were that they were all torn to shreds except for one of my big toes. SMALL SUCCESSES ARE STILL SUCCESSES. However, no plan is perfect and how often do plans and goals pan out EXACTLY the way you want them to? Not very often. That’s okay though! My plan/goal was to let my toes and fingers heal and not touch them again, at least not for a long period of time. That goal was not met. I was upset at first but as I’ve said so many times before skin picking isn’t something you can just stop. My aunt read my last blog post and I am SO glad she did because she reached out and told me I could come over and talk to her anytime I wanted or needed to. I took her up on that offer and talking to her and gaining new perspectives on my situations really helped me. She also took me shopping for some really nice scented lotion that I could use for my hands and feet every day to soften up the skin in order to make it harder to pick and peel off. So, have I been using the lotion? YES. Has it helped any? YES. My toes are still healing so the skin is still a little rough because of that but the daily lotion use is helping to soften up the skin so even when I try to start picking at them I can get my nails to break through the skin! It’s helped my hands a little but I think I’m still having a hard time with that due to the lotion not being as effective on my hands since I am constantly washing them throughout the day. However, slow progress is still progress.

As far as my anxiety goes and my everyday mental and emotional well-being I would have to say there hasn’t been much change there lately. I mean, there’s been change but I guess you could say I’m “all over the place” right now. I’m never sure which emotional/mental version of myself I am going to wake up to the next day. So why haven’t I written a blog post for the past two weeks? Because of this “all over the place” feeling. I haven’t been sure of what I was feeling or thinking because it’s all been changing so fast and so randomly. Just when I feel like I’m making progress I pull myself down again, almost as if I’m scared of being okay or being happy. This week I finally came to realize that I needed a little extra help to get me through this roller coaster I am currently on.

My sister, Kassie, goes to church every Sunday she can and she has been going on her own for a long time now. I haven’t been a really religious person since I was little. My sister has invited me to go to church with her multiple times and I’ve always said no. One day we were in Barnes & Noble and Kassie found this book titled “Fearless in 21 Days” by Sarah E. Ball. It’s a Christian based book but it’s written by someone who has lived and experienced anxiety. It’s her story of how she overcame anxiety by turning to God. Now, I’ll say right here, I’m still not super religious but so far I have really connected with this book. I don’t know much about the bible but I do know the scriptures the author has placed in her book make SO much sense and are easy to understand and connect with.

My plan for the rest of this book is to journal my thoughts and feelings at the end of each chapter. I hope that by doing so my mind will open up and hopefully it will help me get out of the place I am currently in. Hopefully, it will assist me with calming my emotions and mind so I am not as all over the place as I currently am. I plan to post my journals on my blog every week. I won’t have a certain amount of chapters done every day or every week. I am not putting a timetable on it because I really want to take my time and move through this at my own pace.

Maybe this book will help me, maybe it won’t but I know I need some kind of push so this is me taking action to help myself before letting things get bad. Check in next week for my first few journals and chapter summaries. I hope to help others through their own journey’s as I go through mine. I am not alone. YOU are not alone.

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