I don’t even know where to start. The emotions I am feeling right now are so scattered and jumbled and there is SO much noise in my head. I feel broken. I mean, I’m crying as I’m writing this right now. I’m mad at myself. Since my last skin picking episode I haven’t allowed my toes or my thumbs heal. I get so close and then I just ruin everything. The skin picking is extremely out of control right now. I catch myself picking at my skin constantly and I peel off so much skin I’m not even sure how much is left until the blood starts coming. I peel off one layer and then the layer under that and so on. It hasn’t been this bad in a really long time and I honestly have no idea why it’s like this right now. My thumbs and my feet are in so much pain. They’re raw and sore and so close to bleeding. It hurts when I walk and it hurts my thumbs when I do something as simple as opening a candy bar wrapper. Why does it have to be so hard for me to stop or push out this overwhelming compulsion? Why am I stuck with this compulsion at all? Why does this bring me comfort!? This has all honestly left me in a really difficult place with myself. I’m angry with myself and I’m questioning whether or not I’m trying hard enough. Maybe I should try therapy again. Maybe I’ve just been hard on myself lately. I honestly don’t know. All I know is that I want it to stop. I want to help myself and I want my skin to heal. I feel SO out of control and that’s a feeling I still have a difficult time coping with. The sight of my broken skin is disgusting to me and it’s so difficult to look at. I am in a lot of physical and emotional pain and distress right now and I honestly don’t know the best way to help myself. What I do know is that I just want some time to relax, breathe and do some inner soul searching and self reflecting. I want to get to know myself and I what I need to help with this overwhelming mental illness. I’ve already started reading blogs by other people experiencing similar things and I’ve even been researching some therapists near me to possibly visit. I want to figure out what I need.
Another aspect of this that really gets to me is when it comes to relationships. In my past relationship, I opened up about my skin picking and my anxiety. Although my ex-boyfriend was there for me in some ways he still left me feeling like I was the problem. He thought I could just “fix” myself overnight. He thought it should be easy for me to “get better”. I was told I was too emotional and I was left feeling like there was too much wrong with me. I know I wasn’t the problem but I got so used to being brushed aside. I got used to being told I wasn’t good enough. I find myself falling back into these negative thoughts and feelings. I think “who would want to be with someone that deals with so much” or “It’s only a matter of time before they get tired of being there for me because it’s to much work”. I feel like a mess but I don’t want to be viewed as one and I suppose that’s my biggest fear. I have such a hard time handling my anxiety and skin picking at times I don’t know how I can expect someone else to do that as well. I shouldn’t have to be worried about being accepted for who I am. No one should. But here we are, myself and others dealing with mental illness, feeling so left out and misunderstood we’re not even sure others can “handle” being with us.