My anxiety is at a bit of a high right now. I’d rather not talk about the specific reason just yet but it’s driving me crazy. Honestly, it’s not even that big of a deal. I mean, it’s important and all but it shouldn’t be bothering me THIS badly. But, here I am. Severely overthinking, riddled with anxiety and slowly losing control of my emotions. What’s new though? I hate feeling helpless. I hate feeling like I’m losing things I don’t want to lose. One of the things my therapist discussed with me was that I can’t control everything and everyone around me. It’s impossible, so we worked on ways to help me cope with that reality. It’s still SO hard sometimes. I still catch myself feeling as though if I just say the right things or do the right things, it will work out for me. People won’t leave and unwanted change won’t happen. I know that’s not reality but I get stuck in that thought process at times. I think “If I want it bad enough, it will happen.” That’s not reality either though. Yes, I believe we do have control over certain things in our lives but there are just as many things we don’t have control over. It’s difficult for me to separate out those categories though. We don’t have control over what people think of us. However, we do have control over how we present ourselves to those same people. Just because you present yourself as a nice person doesn’t mean others won’t decide to think you’re mean. I guess the big question I have for myself right now is “How do I gain back the feeling of stability that I so desperately need?” How I am supposed to feel in control or stable when I obsessively peel the skin from my fingers and feet even though I don’t want to. How am supposed to feel in control or stable when my emotions are so jumbled I currently feel like crying for no apparent reason at all. Maybe I feel like crying because of everything my mind has deemed wrong, stressful or annoying, no matter how big or small the issue.
So, maybe I should work a little more on coping with change and things out of my control. I should work more on differentiating between real problems and ones I’ve created in my head (made out to be worse than they actually are). I should work on figuring out which issues or events deserve which emotions and reactions.
In my last post, I believe I mentioned returning to therapy for my excoriation disorder and I’ve continued to think about it and I believe that as soon as I have enough money, I would like to seek out the help I need and want. I’ve done some research on therapists nearby and I believe I found a facility that could work for me. I want to continue bettering myself and I really want to help myself get out of the small ditch I believe I am currently stuck in.
On a brighter note, I have decided to step out of my comfort zone with writing and start trying new ways to express myself. Here is a short poem I wrote recently. It’s not super great or anything. It’s pretty simple but I hope you enjoy it just the same!
Today, I am happy.
Today, the sun shines through the clouds and I can feel the warmth on my face
I can feel the happiness rising inside me
The happiness I thought to have faded away,
I turn my face from the sun to look at yours,
Yet, the warmth doesn’t fade,
The happiness overflows and I realize you are the light that brightens my day,
You are the warmth I feel on my face