Today is one of my better days. I’m not really sure what happened, but a couple weeks ago something inside me just shifted. My long and messy breakup is currently on repeat in my head, and no matter how hard I try to push it out I can’t. It’s like I’m reliving all the pain. I think part of that may be because I started dating again and it’s all just really weird for me. Maybe not “weird,” but more along the lines of new and different. It’s not just that though. My motivation and overall well-being seem to be rolling downhill lately. I’ve never really been a morning person but I have been sleeping in WAY later than I ever have. I’ve been waking up around 12 and lying in bed dozing in and out until about 1. When I do wake up earlier I just go back to sleep because I think “There’s nothing better to do with my day.” As I was getting ready for work last night I realized I had spent my entire day sitting on the couch like a zombie and that not a single person I talk to regularly had crossed my mind. That realization was honestly kind of scary for me. I’ve also realized I haven’t been eating as much. Sometimes it’s because I just don’t feel hungry and other times I only eat about half my meal because I have no motivation to eat. What’s up with that?!?! I LOVE FOOD. I EAT ALL THE TIME. It’s all really hard to explain, and I’m probably doing a terrible job, but things have just been REALLY off for me lately. I haven’t been able to function like I usually do, and simple things have been hard. Going to work every day has been exhausting. I wish I could fully express everything I’m feeling, but I haven’t found the words yet. Maybe I won’t. Here is what I do know though. Every time I start to feel better or really be happy, I hold back because part of me is scared to be happy. I’m scared to feel better because as soon as I do, I start waiting for the other shoe to drop. My mind is cloudy and I wonder if it’s partly my fault. I wonder if maybe I’m hurting myself because I’m scared to help myself.
It’s been two days since I wrote that first paragraph. I wasn’t able to finish like I hoped because my sister locked herself out of her car, which of course was something we had to deal with! We got a good laugh out of it though! But here I am, writing again. I’m still having trouble getting myself out of bed in the mornings but I have recently started talking to old friends that have helped and given me some hope. I feel lost right now and I feel weak. However, I have no intention of letting this get any worse. I’m scared though. I’m scared of the feelings I currently have. I’m scared of being let down by others, and I’m scared I’ll let myself down. I want my appetite and sleep schedule back. I want my laugh back. Maybe being happy and opening myself up to getting better makes me vulnerable, but at least I would be genuinely smiling.